


Four Seasons

by velvethoshi



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, i love writing shitty things, this contains some triggering things so pls be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 14:03:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4789961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvethoshi/pseuds/velvethoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiho's more in love than he likes to admit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Seasons

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically for my friend, and i'm in extreme xeno hell so why not
> 
> happy (early) birthday jesse!

 

 

_**Tuesday, 24th of January** _

 

Jiho tosses his now-smoked cigarette away as he pushes himself off the ground.

His cold fingertips touch the forming, or already being there, purplish and reddish marks on his neck where they line down to his torso.

 

Jiho is not _quite_ sure if he wants to go back inside from Sangwon's balcony. 

In fact, Jiho is quite unsure about a lot of things.

 

First, he really is not sure how he ended up like this with Sangwon. It was all supposed to be just for one night, and that's it. It was supposed to end, it's destiny was supposed to be forgotten with every other one-night stand, but it didn't.

 

Second, Jiho is unsure if he should now end it or not. 

Actually, Jiho knows too well he should end it all but something just makes him to totally refuse to do that. 

 

Third, Jiho is _really_ not sure at what time his heart started to beat faster when it came to Sangwon.

Jiho's not sure if it started around the time when Sangwon began to take him on actual dates, or when he realized that he might have a little crush on Sangwon.

Maybe it started when the I love you's were exchanged, or maybe when their kisses turned from " _I want to fuck you_ " to " _I think I might be in love with you_ ".

 

But the thing is that Jiho is scared.

He's scared of himself, he's sometimes scared of Sangwon, he's scared of this thing they have going on. 

It's all a mess in his head, circling there and constantly running in his mind, causing him to stress. 

Stress brings Jiho to one of his old habits, smoking. He actually hates smoking, but when someone is not there to distract him he slips back into it. 

 

"You should stop", Sangwon will mumble during kisses just after Jiho has smoked. 

Sometimes Sangwon will come to kiss Jiho during his smoking breaks, and it will all look like a movie about rebelling teenagers; the other blowing the grey smoke to the other's face, kisses where they share the smoke, make-out sessions.

Sangwon hates smoking but sometimes he joins Jiho, and smokes a cigarette himself too. 

Jiho wonders why.

 

Jiho finally decides that maybe he has to go back inside. 

 

Jiho steps to the rather small apartment, and everything still reeks of sex, also with a hint of alcohol.

Jiho's not sure how he should feel about it being completely normal to him at this point.

Sangwon comes out of the bathroom, water droplets dripping from his hair and his skin glowing from the wetness on his skin. 

Jiho never understands why Sangwon looks the most innocent to him like this; Sangwon's half-naked but something about him makes Jiho look at him like a child. 

Maybe it's because for once Sangwon isn't pinning Jiho against the bed, maybe it's because Sangwon isn't sucking lovebites to Jiho's thighs. 

Sangwon looks just so _innocent_ like this, he looks like everything is okay with him, and for once Jiho can think that everything is okay too.

 

"You can stay the night", leaves Sangwon's lips, and he smiles so softly at Jiho.

And Jiho smiles back, knowing that he can spend the night in Sangwon's embrance, feeling like he's safe from everything.

 

_It's January and Jiho falls in love even more._

 

 

_**Friday, 15th of May** _

 

Sometimes Sangwon becomes distant, and Jiho is scared he will lose him.

 

Jiho wonders a lot about what is actually going on with Sangwon, he has so many bottles of different pills, but Sangwon never opens up about it when Jiho asks.

Jiho should be, _he is_ , scared, he even said it, but Sangwon keeps telling him that everything is okay.

Jiho finds it hard to believe.

 

It has always been hard for Jiho to understand why Sangwon even wants him, and sometimes he's scared that Sangwon becoming distant means that he doesn't want Jiho anymore.

  
_It's never like that_ , Sangwon says, but Jiho can't help but wonder _what if_.

 

It's spring, everything is coming alive again, but Jiho feels like every day he's becoming more dead.

He stays sometimes up at night just to worry about Sangwon, thinking if he's _truly_ okay.

 

Sangwon doesn't know how he could explain it all to Jiho, he doesn't know if he even wants to explain.

Jiho doesn't need to know about what Sangwon really thinks about, Jiho doesn't need to know about his multiple visits to the hospital, he doesn't need to know how normal this is to him.

 

Sangwon thinks he's not good enough for Jiho, in his thoughts he's not good enough for anything.

He's scared of losing Jiho, he's scared of hurting him, he's scared of being in love.

 

Death has crossed Sangwon's mind lately again.

He feels like he has always played with death, having the need to prove it that he is fearless. Or then Sangwon is just fucked-up. _Probably both_.

 

If Sangwon was honest, he wouldn't mind dying, at all.

 

But still Sangwon kisses Jiho and tells him, smiling, that it's okay.

 

  
_It's May and when Jiho thinks everything might be okay, Sangwon thinks of finally giving up_.

 

 

  
_**Saturday, 18th of July**_  

 

One night Sangwon just disappears, and that night has to be the worst time of Jiho's life.

It's summer but Jiho feels so cold without Sangwon. His eyes won't close, it's almost like everything in Jiho doesn't want him to fall asleep.

 

The next day Sangwon doesn't come back, it's just Jiho _alone_ , sinking to the deepest pits of the ocean.

 

Jiho searches for Sangwon, calls his friends, just tries to find him in any possible way, but it's all useless.

Sangwon is not there, and Jiho keeps getting colder.

 

It's a month to Sangwon being gone, and Jiho hooks up with a boy named Hansol.

They're both drunk off their asses, it all happens because of a little spark the moment gives them.

Hansol's lips are soft on Jiho's, but nothing is the same like it is with Sangwon.

The morning comes, and Jiho only feels regret. He feels as the bangs of guilt come to him and drown him in it.

Hansol tells Jiho to call him as he leaves, Jiho just bursts into tears once the door is closed.

 

But Hansol isn't the last of Jiho's drunken hook-ups.

 

Hojoon is gentle but also cold in a way, Hojoon is everything Jiho needs but still doesn't want to get.

Jiho wakes up, sobered, and watches as Hojoon makes himself ready to leave. Jiho doesn't refuse it when Hojoon presses a kiss on his lips before leaving.

And hell, Jiho is scared because _what if he keeps finding good people like this_ , but also _what if he breaks again_.

Jiho makes a promise to not go drinking, for his, and maybe Sangwon's sake.

 

But Jiho breaks it, goes and gets drunk, not even caring about who he might hook-up with.

Jiho tries to search for fire, a thing that would make him warm and feel again like Sangwon did and still does, but he's always left with coldness and guilt.

 

  
_It's July and Jiho thinks of losing hope_.

 

 

_**Wednesday, 23rd of September** _

 

It's 2am when someone knocks on Jiho's apartment's door.

He's having one of his sleepless nights, so he isn't annoyed by the knocking, but rather curious about who might need him at this time.

 

"Take your damn jacket, we _need_ to go outside", is the first thing Jiho hears when he opens the door. It's Taeyang, and Jiho notices him only because Sangwon has showed him pictures of them together.

Jiho surprises himself when he takes his jacket and steps outside of his apartment. It looks like Taeyang is a bit surprised too, maybe he was expecting Jiho to get annoyed and start to disobey.

 

"We need to walk for a while", Taeyang says as they step to the cold night, and Jiho only nods as an answer.

It's weird that Jiho's trusting Taeyang like this; he has never met the other male before, he has only heard stories from Sangwon. 

But Jiho just continues following Taeyang, but gets curious when he notices where they're going.

 

" _A graveyard_? What are we doing here?" Taeyang flinches like he got scared of Jiho's sudden speaking, but after that he turns to face Jiho.

 

"Don't you want to know what happened to Sangwon?"

 

It's like Taeyang's words are punches, because Jiho sure as hell now feels like it.

It's like all of his darkest, deepest fears are coming true but there are no tears because Jiho just feels _numb_ , Jiho feels like all of him has been taken away.

 

"Is he dead? Just... just _tell me_ the truth Taeyang, I don't need any bullshit right now", Jiho's proud of himself for being so calm, too calm for his own liking.

He wants to scream, he wants to let it all out, but he just can't, it's like something inside him is keeping Jiho from doing all of that.

 

"What did he do?" Jiho continues after Taeyang has confirmed his accusations with a nod. 

 

"He shot himself, I guess he was really desperate this time," Taeyang says, and Jiho finds himself being amazed how calm the other one is too, but Jiho needs more answers.

 

"This time?" Now Jiho is confused.

What does Taeyang know that he doesn't? Actually, why does _all_ of this situation have to be like this? 

 

"He downed a bottle of pills once, and has also jumped off a bridge. I still don't know how he survived either of those, he refused to tell me everything", Taeyang answers, and Jiho is now annoyed by his calmness. 

How can Taeyang be like all of this is normal to him? Also, why does Taeyang have to know all of this?

 

Taeyang notices Jiho's sudden change in his mood, whatever it is. 

Is it jealousness? Is it Jiho breaking apart? He doesn't know.

 

"Sangwon once told me that he doesn't want you to know about his dark past. I think he was scared it would hurt you or make you afraid of him," Taeyang says as he finally lifts his gaze to fully look at Jiho.

 

"Do you know why he smoked sometimes, if he hated it?" Jiho asks, and the realization that it's such a stupid question hits him too late, but Taeyang looks like he's okay with him asking. Or maybe Taeyang _actually_ doesn't know this time.

 

"I've come to the conclusion it was a part of his self-destruction. It was always so funny to him to play with death, and that was what he was basically doing, right?" Taeyang answers.

Jiho feels bad but he's just craving for answers, and now he's finally getting them from a too-calm Taeyang.

 

" _Fuck_ \- _I just_ \- why are you so calm about this? I mean, I don't want to sound rude but I almost got the impression you're the emotional type and everything is just so- _I don't know_. Did you even care about him? Wasn't he your bestfriend?"

 

"He was, and will be, my bestfriend until the end, but I don't think you should be worrying over me right now, or even asking why am I being calm. I cried for weeks, I blamed myself for not noticing anything, so don't pull that 'did you even care about him' bullshit on me, Jiho. I am here for _you_ , I came here to possibly comfort you. So, _how do you feel_?" Jiho didn't ever think Taeyang could be like this. His eyes show anger, and he probably wants to punch Jiho right now, but he radiates also slight curiousness and sadness. Taeyang is tired, Jiho knows it, and starts to regret his words.

 

Of course Taeyang cared about Sangwon, _how stupid can Jiho be_?

He feels kind of bad for accusing Taeyang of such things when he remembers Sangwon telling him how good Taeyang always is.

 

"I am not completely sure why I am not sobbing on the ground. But sometimes it's like... _did he ever actually love me_?" Jiho says, finally asking the question he has been wanting to.

He feels guilty for doubting Sangwon's love but there has always been something that has just made him wonder.

Taeyang's small smile on his lips when he starts to answer doesn't get unnoticed by Jiho.

 

"Are you _seriously_ that stupid? He loved you _so much_ , he was so crazy about you. I've never seen him be so happy about anyone, he used to tell me how in love with you he is, _hell_ , it was sometimes, a lot of times actually, like he wanted to stay alive, only for _you_. Sangwon is just bad with those three words, that's why he shows it. Now that you think about it, he probably showed you that he loves you?" 

 

Jiho thinks, and remembers.

 

He remembers Sangwon staying up late to be there for Jiho, he remembers his soft goodnight kisses.

Jiho remembers the _'you can stay the night'_ s, he remembers Sangwon hugging him like he wants to protect Jiho from everything bad.

Jiho remembers those nights when he couldn't sleep, and how he could just call Sangwon and how he would sleepily sing Jiho a lullaby. Sangwon was never bothered by Jiho, he was the light of his life.

Red roses, a symbol of love, waiting for Jiho on his apartment's door with a card signed by S.

 

" _I think nobody will ever love him as much as you do_."

 

Then Jiho realizes it all, he understands simply _everything_.

 

That's when he finally breaks.

 

_It's September, and winter is coming, but this time there won't be anyone to keep Jiho warm and safe._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed!


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